Who Killed Tyler Clementi?

By Javier Robles

America is becoming the country we use to point fingers at, a place were intolerance of others is commonplace. Where we do not think twice about using someone’s sexuality or sexual preference for our own comic relief. We put people like Rush Limbaugh on a pedestal and go out of our way to make a point of showing what we don’t like about other people. As the polarization of these “United States” continues so will tragedies like the suicide of Tyler Clementi a freshman at Rutgers University. Tyler was outed as being gay after his roommate Dharan Ravi, and Ravis friend Molly Wei, taped him and another man engaging in sexual acts. Rhavi and Wei face invasion of privacy charges, and may also be charged with bias intimidation. Tyler, however, will never see justice served as his body was found floating on the Hudson, September 29th, according to the Wall Street Journal. The 18 year old’s last message to the world posted September 22nd, on Facebook, read, that he was going to jump off the George Washington Bridge.

This young man saw no other way out but one, suicide, why? Because many times we learn from our parents, clergy, media, family and “Friends” that being gay is bad. It is not “normal” and in the religious case, “it is a sin against God”. We as a society tolerate intolerance. We sit back in the house of the lord while a person of this Earth riles on about the sin of being homosexual. We tolerate the imposition of laws and lawmakers who believe they can legislate sexuality, morality and personal choice. In fact, we leave the television and radio on while the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan educate our toddlers about hate and fear mongering. These same people also lambaste certain television shows as too violent, sexual or “non-American”. There is an indifference towards those not in the mainstream, the gays, disabled, immigrants, and poor. Yet, we tolerate!

It is this tolerance for ignorance and intolerance for people different from us that should have the spotlight shined on it. Do not get me wrong, the two perpetrators in this incident Ravi and Wei, deserve what ever is coming to them. However, we deserve a collective blame. Parents, who allow their child to believe it is all right to dislike others, simply because “they are not like us”. Pastors, who preach love in one, breathe only to stigmatize and hate in the other one. Politicians, so afraid of their base or blinded by their “family values”, that they cannot open their mouth against legislation or laws that continue to oppress our men and women in uniform. Media, that promotes hate like a sporting event, that actually pay commentators to profess their dislike of (according to them) those so morally corrupt that they cannot possibly be “Real Americans”.

It is our tolerance of anti gay, racist, anti disabled and lack of empathy for the poor in this country; that make, a bright young man like Tyler, think the only solution to his sexuality is death. That is a low-point in our Countries history. Just like the murders of Mathew Sheppard in Texas, Frank Rodde’s in Chicago, and Jorge Steve Lopez Mercado in Puerto Rico; were all committed by others, we just supplied the ammunition.

For more information on organizations and websites providing services and positive messages on gay issues visit:

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
http://www.thetaskforce.org/

Gay Men’s Health Crisis
http://www.gmhc.org/

GLBT National Help Center
http://www.glnh.org/

To Talk to a Live Person

GLBT National Hotline
1-888-843-4564

GLBT Youth National Hotline
1-800-246-7743

Test Time

I thought it would be a good time to write about depression because I am really depressed today. The psychologist at Craig Hospital, where I did my rehabilitation, said depression/self-pity was an okay place to visit but a bad place to set up residence. My wife and I had a heated argument yesterday, very unusual for us. She accused me of lying to her about the availability of the money to finance our new van. She even went so far as to tell our son, a 39 year old civil engineer, I lied to her which pushed me off the deep end. Prior to my injury I got vigorous physical exercise every day which took care of most of my frustrations. I do not have that luxury anymore. I did smash my hand into the computer keyboard until she moved it. That felt good, until today. In all fairness to my wife she has been under a lot of pressure lately. One of her sisters was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and another with Alzheimer’s, plus she has some health issues of her own.  She is on edge and rightfully so.

What I’m really interested in, however, is me and my reactions. When I get depressed I begin to question my quality of life. I tell myself living in this chair is not quality of life. I live about 20 miles from the Canadian border and we have long, cold and snowy winters. As a result, I do not get to go outside and poke around like I can in the warmed weather.  Cabin fever is also a player.  I ask myself is this any way to live?  Then I start thinking about suicide and how I would do it. Most commonly I think about overdosing on my meds, hanging myself on my track lift (poetic justice) or some other gruesome way of solving my frustrations. I stare out the window, turn silent, refuse to eat or drink and occupy my time with some mundane task. The last 12 years of teaching I taught high school students who had emotional and behavioral problems. My behavior is classic passive aggressive.

Wikipedia states “Passive–aggressive behavior (negativistic personality trait) is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a  personality trait  marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavow resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism,  and usually only partly conscious.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive%E2%80%93aggressive_behavior#Diagnostic_criteria_.28DSM-IV_Appendix_B.29ed

After I’ve wallowed in this self-pity for awhile I begin to think about the consequences of my hypothetical actions. How would my children react, my grandchildren, my great grand children, the students I taught and the people who went out of their way to reach out to us after the accident? I have chosen to present myself as an example of how people can deal with the challenges they face.  I have spoken in many schools about the inner strength which lies in each and every one of us. What would they think if I did something so stupid?

After staring out the window for a long time my eyes will begin to focus on the view. Things are so beautiful where I live even in the winter.  Why would anybody intentionally leave this beautiful place? I spent months struggling to recover from my accident. I fought to live, I wanted to live, I want to live and I do have quality of life most of the time. Being in this chair, having to have someone assist me in the morning and help me get dressed is a small price to pay for being alive. What good is feeling sorry for myself going to do for me? I remind myself everyone has good days and bad days. I listen to REM’s Everybody Hurts (click on the link below) and remind myself that it is normal for anyone to have down days.  As the psychologist at Craig said it is okay to visit but no place to establish permanent residence. Don’t you agree?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2N_uvnvGbI