Going Where You Can’t Go

Years ago, shortly after my injury, I saw an episode of NYPD Blue where the police were questioning a former drug dealer who was confined to a wheelchair as the result of a drive-by shooting. They were threatening to put him in jail and he told the officers you can lock up my body but you can’t imprison my mind. I realized the relevancy of that statement to my situation. If we choose to accept that premise, then we empower ourselves to use the freedom that exists in our minds. I was involved in the martial arts for a number of years prior to my injury. The Grandmaster of the association used to say Karate was 90% mental and only 10% physical. There was a great deal of emphasis on the mind-body connection. It seems for some reason Western Civilization separates the mental and physical aspects of an individual. Eastern Cultures seem much more aware of the total being and much more inclined to deal with a person in a holistic way.

More professionals in this country are beginning to utilize Eastern techniques such as meditation, acupuncture and yoga in a holistic approach to better heath. Many Olympic caliber athletes are including imaging, also know as visualization, as part of their training. Thomas W. Morris, a motivational coach and president of Washington, D.C. based Morris Associates (www.morrisdc.com) writes in FOCUS “Visualize success. Want to achieve a certain goal? Take time to visualize yourself reaching that goal.” Why would we believe only athletes can benefit from these techniques?

Brian Mac is a Level 4 Performance Coach and Coach Tutor/Assessor with UK Athletics, the United Kingdom’s National Governing body for Track and Field Athletics. Brian writes on his website “They (the participants) should see themselves enjoying the activity and feeling satisfied with their performance. They should attempt to enter fully into the image with all their senses. Sight, hear, feel, touch, smell and perform, as they would like to perform in real life.” www.brianmac.co.uk/

You can use your mind to help you enjoy yourself. Oden Black’s latest steamy Blog on ThisAbled.com is a perfect example of this idea. If there are activities that you once enjoyed that you are unable to participate in now, try revisiting them again with mental imaging. While this may seem a little offbeat in the beginning, remember practice makes perfect. You can use your mind to free yourself of the constraints placed on you by your disability. To change a very common phrase just a little bit, “Your mind will set you free”. One imaging activity I enjoy is to put on my poncho and sit outside in the rain with my eyes closed. The sound of the raindrops on the nylon almost immediately takes me back to my wilderness trips when the rain would confine me to my tent or to waking in the middle of the night to the sound of the rain on my tent. Nestled in a warm sleeping bag, or in this case my poncho, listening to the rain brings on a feeling of serenity and that all is right in the world. I am treated to a “memory flood” of some of the best times of my life.

Letting the rain take me away

A rainy day on Grass Pond in 1989

The Power of Knowing

Finishing the marathon in 1983

What attributes lie within you? Have you ever thought about that? In 1983, a few days before my fortieth birthday, I ran a marathon. For those of you who may not know, that is a race of 26.2 miles. I decided to do this because I wanted to show my 13 year old son you can do anything you set your mind to do. It just about did me in; I could not talk when I finished, but I did it. However, I never ran another marathon.

A few years after my injury, I started talking in local schools about inner strength, commitment and positive attitude.  After one assembly a young student named Tyler Kellogg came up to me and said I had inspired him, so he had decided he was going to run an Ironman Race. A traditional Ironman race consists of a 2.4 mile swim, followed by a 112 mile bike ride, and then a 26.2 mile run.  It was a major undertaking for a 17 year old kid. I thought to myself “Good Luck.”  We kept in touch while he and his Dad, who had decided to do the Ironman too, were training. Neither one of them had done anything like this before. Not only did they do it, but Tyler was the youngest finisher out of the 2208 who finished the race.  Roles had now been switched and Tyler had become my inspiration. Now when I struggle to do something, I try to remind myself of what Tyler did just because he had the desire.

I have thought a lot about these two events for a long time. I have come to the conclusion that the benefit of accomplishing feats like these lies not in the accomplishment itself but rather in the knowledge that you can, when you want or need to, marshal all the physical and mental strength that lies within you in an effort to attain a goal.

We have all run our own “Ironman Race.”  The demands placed on us by our disabilities are far more difficult than the stresses and strains experienced during the most punishing athletic event. Even the most grueling challenge is limited in time (Tyler finished in 14 hours, 36 minutes, 25 seconds) and there is always the option of dropping out if need be. You cannot say that about a disability. So understand what you have already done and are doing everyday. Know the strengths that lie within you. And if you remember this you can draw upon those strengths when needed. That is the power of knowing.

Tyler helping me start kayaking again

Tyler & me at his high school graduation party

Quad Mitts

  I read Kelly Rouba latest blog with great interest. I have been trying to encourage people to think outside the box and telling them that there is more than one way to solve a problem. After looking at the “gloves” Kelly’s friend made for her it just demonstrates what I have been encourage others to do. She found an inexpensive way to solve the challenge confronting her. I was faced with a similar situation and came up with a slightly different solution. My problem was trying to keep my hands warm when I was outside.  My fingers are always clenched in a loose fist position.  It was very difficult for my wife or nurse to put regular gloves on my hands.  It quickly became evident that mittens would work best.  Unfortunately, mittens created problems of their own.  It was impossible to keep my thumb in the thumb of the mitten.  The major problem with mittens however, was that once I took them off I was unable to get them back on by myself.  So I designed what I like to call Quad Mitts. They have an opening at each end with the front one tighter. I was able to get my wife’s friend to knit a trial pair and they worked extremely well.  The picture below shows the pattern that we used.  Note that the cuff is extra long and can be folded over what I am wearing so I don’t have to worry about them coming off. When I need to use my bare hand I just push it though the hole in the front end and then pull the end back over my hand when I am finished. I am a big man so you may need to adjust the measurements according to your own size. If you know someone who will knit for you maybe you want to think about a pair of sleeves (my arms are always cold) and/or leg warmers. Often in the morning I will have my nurse put my sleeves on with a tee-shirt and then I will take them off when the day warms up.

Test Time

I thought it would be a good time to write about depression because I am really depressed today. The psychologist at Craig Hospital, where I did my rehabilitation, said depression/self-pity was an okay place to visit but a bad place to set up residence. My wife and I had a heated argument yesterday, very unusual for us. She accused me of lying to her about the availability of the money to finance our new van. She even went so far as to tell our son, a 39 year old civil engineer, I lied to her which pushed me off the deep end. Prior to my injury I got vigorous physical exercise every day which took care of most of my frustrations. I do not have that luxury anymore. I did smash my hand into the computer keyboard until she moved it. That felt good, until today. In all fairness to my wife she has been under a lot of pressure lately. One of her sisters was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and another with Alzheimer’s, plus she has some health issues of her own.  She is on edge and rightfully so.

What I’m really interested in, however, is me and my reactions. When I get depressed I begin to question my quality of life. I tell myself living in this chair is not quality of life. I live about 20 miles from the Canadian border and we have long, cold and snowy winters. As a result, I do not get to go outside and poke around like I can in the warmed weather.  Cabin fever is also a player.  I ask myself is this any way to live?  Then I start thinking about suicide and how I would do it. Most commonly I think about overdosing on my meds, hanging myself on my track lift (poetic justice) or some other gruesome way of solving my frustrations. I stare out the window, turn silent, refuse to eat or drink and occupy my time with some mundane task. The last 12 years of teaching I taught high school students who had emotional and behavioral problems. My behavior is classic passive aggressive.

Wikipedia states “Passive–aggressive behavior (negativistic personality trait) is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a  personality trait  marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavow resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism,  and usually only partly conscious.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive%E2%80%93aggressive_behavior#Diagnostic_criteria_.28DSM-IV_Appendix_B.29ed

After I’ve wallowed in this self-pity for awhile I begin to think about the consequences of my hypothetical actions. How would my children react, my grandchildren, my great grand children, the students I taught and the people who went out of their way to reach out to us after the accident? I have chosen to present myself as an example of how people can deal with the challenges they face.  I have spoken in many schools about the inner strength which lies in each and every one of us. What would they think if I did something so stupid?

After staring out the window for a long time my eyes will begin to focus on the view. Things are so beautiful where I live even in the winter.  Why would anybody intentionally leave this beautiful place? I spent months struggling to recover from my accident. I fought to live, I wanted to live, I want to live and I do have quality of life most of the time. Being in this chair, having to have someone assist me in the morning and help me get dressed is a small price to pay for being alive. What good is feeling sorry for myself going to do for me? I remind myself everyone has good days and bad days. I listen to REM’s Everybody Hurts (click on the link below) and remind myself that it is normal for anyone to have down days.  As the psychologist at Craig said it is okay to visit but no place to establish permanent residence. Don’t you agree?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2N_uvnvGbI