The Gift

Marge, Bosco and Foxy

Last week my wife brought home a very special gift. It was a gift of unconditional love for everyone one who lives in our home.  The gift was a 3 month old Bassett Hound from the SPCA.  His name is Bosco. We have always had a dog and very often more than one. However, since my “accident” we have only had one, a lovable mutt named Foxy. We got Foxy about eight years ago after finding out service dogs could cost anywhere between $15,000 and $18,000. I believed it would be possible to train her to pick things up for me, but Foxy had different ideas about what she was going to do. Picking things up was no problem for her, but then she wanted to play her favorite game tug-of-war for which I was no match. She went to, but flunked out of, obedience school. Foxy is a free spirit and we did not wish to destroy that characteristic, so we discontinued with the training. Foxy owns us and she knows it; and so our life went until about a year ago.

Marge decided Foxy was lonely and needed a playmate. The debate went on for over a year, Marge trying to come up with rational reasons and me trying to put the folly of the whole thing into perspective. Given the extra demands placed on Marge by my quadriplegia, I thought it totally wrong to bring into the family another member who would require even more of my wife’s attention. Two weeks ago the scales were tipped in favor of getting another dog. Our neighbor’s brought home a second dog, a cute puppy which looked like a St. Bernard. Foxy when to the edge of her range and barked and whined. The decision was made.   

Saturday morning Bosco arrived. We were anticipating an adjustment period of days, if not weeks, but to our surprise it was hours. Foxy’s playful nature and maternal instincts quickly got the best of any reservation she might have had. I guess I could say the same thing for Marge. I must digress for a minute here. For several weeks prior I had been locked in a battle with Medicare and our secondary insurance company over a repair issue with my wheelchair. After a week or two I was totally frustrated. It was affecting me physically and mentally, and I was strung pretty tight.

Foxy quickly decided Bosco was going to make a great playmate and proceeded to test the theory for several hours.

This Is For Linda ( but you can read it too)

I have a
good friend who is struggling with some very challenging issues in her life
right now. At times, she feels overwhelmed and depressed. If you have never
gone through times like these, most likely you will. In the Austin Powers movie,
The Spy Who Shagged Me, Dr. Evil had Fat Bastard steal Austin Power’s
mojo. The rest of the movie was about Austin’s effort to recover it.

In real life
no one can take your mojo, self-esteem, dignity or whatever you want to call it,
unless you let them.  Each and every one
of us already has the inner strength to handle any challenge or crisis that may
confront us.  This becomes very obvious
when we look at people who have dealt with or are dealing with a major crisis in
their lives: Helen Keller, John McCain, Lance Armstrong, Christopher and Dana
Reeve, Kevin Everett of the Buffalo Bills, Bob Woodruff of ABC News, Elizabeth
Edwards who recently lost her heroic battle with breast cancer, and more
recently Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. While these people may be famous
they are really no different than you or me. I am sure you know not so famous
individuals who have demonstrated the same inner strength. Did these people get
something at birth that we didn’t receive, of course not. These individuals may
have approached their challenges in different ways but they all found the inner
strength to deal with them. For final proof positive, I’ll turn to Rock And
Roll which I believe holds the answers to all of life’s mysteries. The group
America in their song Tin Man sings:

                       “Oz never did give
nothing to the Tin Man

                         That he didn’t, didn’t
already have…”

Think about
the verse above. If you have ever watched the Wizard of Oz, it makes perfect
sense. The basic truths in the movie are why to this day it remains a classic
for children and adults alike.

The question
now becomes how do we marshal our inner strengths? I believe we must face life
experiences head on, with a positive attitude looking at circumstances as a
challenge to be dealt with rather than a problem to be solved. Realize some
struggles will be long and that at times situations can become very
discouraging, but that is normal. Colin Powell said “There are no secrets to
success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, learning from failure.”

We should
never allow others to define who we are. As with a bully teasing a child on the
school playground, the child should never say, “What’s the matter with me but rather
what’s the matter with that bully.”  So
remember no one can take your mojo unless you let them!  Oh, if you’re reading this and you’re not
Linda, don’t worry; she’s going to be fine.

I Want To Know What Love Is

I What To Know What Love Is                                                                                      

I want you to show me…   Foreigner

Since Valentine’s Day is Monday I will give you an example of what love is because I can’t show you. My wife Marge and I have been married 45 years.  At my son’s wedding I was asked to give a brief talk. The following quote was part of what I said: “The last 29 years have been the best of my life. Marge and I have shared laughter and tears, good times and bad, joys and sorrows; but more then that, we have shared our dreams, our inner most thoughts, our strengths, our frailties, and we have shared our love. Marge has always been there when I have needed support.  Things that happen to me when we are apart are not complete until I share them with her. Only with Marge can I truly be myself and completely relax.”

Less then 5 years later I had my accident. The accident did not just happen to me, it happened to my family but since we had an “empty nest” it was really Marge who had to shoulder the majority of the responsibilities. The readjustment was greater than we ever anticipated. It took a long time. I like to tell people that our dog realized in a few weeks what it took me years to figure out and that was that Marge was now the alpha member of the family. Many couples, unfortunately, do not survive the consequences of a readjustment of this magnitude. We were very fortunate to head into it with a strong relationship built up over 35 years. More often than not people tend to focus on me and the challenges that I have had to deal with. I think many give little thought to the tremendous responsibilities placed on the spouse. My wife epitomizes the wedding vows and lives up to Tammy Wynette’s call to “Stand By Your Man”. Marge, not only cooks and manages our home, she also oversees all my care issues, chauffeurs me everywhere I have to go and puts me to bed every night. I owe my good health and lack of complications to Marge’s supervising my care.

Birds at a feeding station station

The hardest part of my adjustment is having to watch Marge deal with the physical tasks that have been thrust on her. Yesterday and today February 10 and 11 we received several feet of snow (check the roof of the dog house in the picture). We have a wonderful neighbor who keeps our driveway plowed and open. But there is still a lot of physical work she must do like shoveling the front walk and bringing in firewood. There are also activities she chooses to do like feeding the birds. After my accident we decided that the birds would be a wonderful source of entertainment for both of us. I have built some bird feeders and we have feeding stations all around our house. The snow from the storm is waist deep so movement off paths is extremely difficult. Both yesterday and today I had to watch Marge shovel her way across the lawn, pulling a sled full of birdfeed behind her. She had to shovel in several different places to reach all the feeders. She returned to the house tired from her struggles. Why does she do it? After all it is not necessary; the birds would survive anyway. Marge struggles to feed the birds because she loves them and because she loves me. So Foreigner that’s only one small example of what love is!

Cardinal & Sparrow feeding during the storm

 P.S. If you know Marge please don’t mention this blog to her because she doesn’t want me to write about her.

Don’t Rush To Christmas

Before Halloween my wife informed me that stores were already beginning to display Christmas items. We have yet to celebrate Thanksgiving and the majority of the advertisements on television are related to Christmas. I believe retailers are rushing us to Christmas to increase their chances to make a profit. I feel very strongly the Thanksgiving holiday gives us an opportunity to realize how fortunate we really are. I tell people from the minute I had struck the bottom underwater I am one of the luckiest people in the world.

The grandchildren alway bring us joy

Travis Roy has said “There are times in our lives when we choose our challenges and other times when challenges simply choose us.  It is what we do in the face of those challenges that defines who we are, and more importantly, who we can and will become.”  Years ago a psychiatrist asked me to identify as many positive things, as I could, that resulted from my accident.  After a great deal of thought the only thing I could come up with was that I had met some wonderful people. As I think about the question today I realized that there are many things that I really do have to be thankful for. I have been given a second chance at life. (I had no pulse when I was brought on the beach).  Marge, my wife of 46 years, and family have stood by me every step of the way. Everyday Marge goes out of her way to help me enjoy quality of life. My nurses are always willing to go the extra mile.  I have many friends who give of their time to help me do the activities I love. I have surprisingly good health. I have learned more about human nature and the power that exists within the human mind. I have wonderful memories that I am able to revisit. I have been able to continue being an educator and, I hope, help others to deal with the challenges they face. The kindness that is in others has become very evident to me. When we watch the news we often are led believe that there is much evil in society in general but I know that is not true. Finally, even though I am in a chair I have much freedom and opportunity. So, don’t allow yourself to be rushed to Christmas without stopping to realize what you have to be thankful for.

Friends helping me to go kayaking